Whew. It has been five whole months since I have written here, though not because I haven't remembered to or wanted to. For the first time in my life, I've been afraid to write. Writing has been my own personal therapy since high school, and reading, since elementary school. I have never been afraid to write until this year. I have a book to thank for opening up my mind and heart to be able to write again...because writing for me is truly, deeply feeling things and processing them (and a Roomie to thank for the book recommendation). If you need a brutal, beautiful book to read, "brutiful" as the author describes it...read "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton....
So, moving onward, in January, we were given the most incredible gift...hope, in the form of a little baby girl who we are so thrilled to meet next month (!!). I have admittedly recoiled from my miscarriages by attempting to keep my excitement and love for this little girl at bay until there is a moment that I am sure she will "be okay," even though as parents, we open our hearts up for life. I haven't been able to find the words to describe this feeling beyond being afraid that by talking about her and planning for her and writing about her, that I will jinx her very existence. I know in my heart that she deserves better than that. She deserves a Mama that shouts out to the whole world about her, but in acts of self-preservation and fear, I have hidden my hope and buried it as deep as I can. Don't get me wrong...I have still picked out nursery decor, and baby gear, and thought about her name, but the Facebook announcements, writing about my pregnancy, and sharing with the world have been suppressed. I am still thoroughly relieved with every week I can tick off the pregnancy calendar, looking at pictures of what __ week old babies look like if delivered early to see how many wires and how much support they need, and how many days they spend in the NICU. I wonder with awe and admiration what my mom went through with having me at 29 weeks. I am still afraid to imagine what she will look like, how her birth-day will go, and what it will be like to say I have a daughter and "kids" with a plural "s" even though we are only a little over seven weeks away from meeting her.
But, because this little girl deserves a family that is unapologetically elated that she is coming, that is my goal. For the next 7 weeks, I will work hard to be more brave and less afraid, as best I can. <3
Monday, August 7, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
Decision Making
Just a fair warning ahead of time, this post is medically detailed, which might be boring to read, but is for me to remember as much as anyone else :) As I posted previously, we had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy in the fall. And in case I didn't define it, a chemical pregnancy is a cruel twist where you find out you are "pregnant" but the embryo doesn't implant properly. So, in essence, your hormones give you that sought after "positive" but your body (quickly) adjusts itself. Since we had gone through genetic testing at this point, I decided to discuss some further evaluation with my endocrinologist, who happens to be a "reproductive endocrinologist" or RE. I didn't even really consider that aspect of her practice, as looking for a strong endocrinologist had been my main priority. To be honest, I had had enough with "fluke events" that come with no explanation. So, she suggested some in-depth monitoring of my "cycle" to if/how much my PCOS was affecting my ability to stay pregnant.
It turns out that I had "ovulatory dysfunction." In my case, I was lucky enough that my ovaries were still releasing eggs on their own, but the eggs were not mature enough. It is hard to say whether or not this caused or contributed to my miscarriages, but it is possible. She said that we could keep trying naturally, or, that she had enough evidence to move forward with fertility treatment. In my mind, I was all for non-invasive treatment. I had heard from friends and co-workers that they just took some medicine, and "poof!" all worked out. My RE does not function that way. She charged a (hefty) fee because of the intensive contact we would need each cycle, which even includes texting me from her cell phone whenever needed. This has proved to be such a blessing-- I mean, how many people get that kind of contact with their doctor? What I didn't understand about this was how intensive the contact would be. Each month, I would have 3-5 appointments, strictly timed medicinal regimens, including a shot each month. Then, the dreaded "2 week wait" as online forums call it, where we see if we develop a whole new reason to worry, or if we have to start over.
My continuous comment from the last 4.5 years has been....I LOVE science. Genetics, our bodies and how they function....it is fascinating to me. I just wish I could see it from the outside looking in, sometimes :) Regardless of that sentiment, I am thankful to have the opportunity to have options.
I will say this whole experience...the last 6 months...has made me so much more sensitive to moms and friends going through fertility treatment. I am reminded that oftentimes, people don't think about their audience with enough empathy. I was, and probably still am that person. I have vivid memory of sitting with two amazing ladies that I grew up with, one of which was expecting at the time, and asking her sister when it was "her turn" in the baby department. I didn't know she had recently had a devastating miscarriage. I felt horrible at the time, but even worse after I experienced it for myself. The bottom line is that most of the time, people mean well and want you to be happy. But it was a great lesson for me to remember that I need to consider how what I say might affect someone.
The last thought I have is unrelated to fertility, per se, and more related to the hilarity that is family "planning." I know we have been on people's "I wonder when..." list for a while now. We have long passed the usual 2-3 year window between siblings. The funny thing is that we waited on purpose. Parker is beautiful, sweet, and complete trouble. We are overwhelmed 90% of the time, and sleeping the other 10%. Even at his happiest, he has a lot of doctor appointments, medical expenses, therapies, meetings, etc. It is a lot to manage. It took us a while to be able to handle that within our marriage. We decided we were ready last April. We never expected to have secondary infertility. My point to you is....sure, go ahead, try and "plan." The reality is that none of this is going to ever go according to your time table. You have to find a way to be at peace with that. I haven't yet, but some day, I'll look back on all of this, and understand better.
So, for now, think happy baby thoughts for us. We are waiting for our "rainbow baby" with lots of love (and nearly equal amounts of anxiety).
It turns out that I had "ovulatory dysfunction." In my case, I was lucky enough that my ovaries were still releasing eggs on their own, but the eggs were not mature enough. It is hard to say whether or not this caused or contributed to my miscarriages, but it is possible. She said that we could keep trying naturally, or, that she had enough evidence to move forward with fertility treatment. In my mind, I was all for non-invasive treatment. I had heard from friends and co-workers that they just took some medicine, and "poof!" all worked out. My RE does not function that way. She charged a (hefty) fee because of the intensive contact we would need each cycle, which even includes texting me from her cell phone whenever needed. This has proved to be such a blessing-- I mean, how many people get that kind of contact with their doctor? What I didn't understand about this was how intensive the contact would be. Each month, I would have 3-5 appointments, strictly timed medicinal regimens, including a shot each month. Then, the dreaded "2 week wait" as online forums call it, where we see if we develop a whole new reason to worry, or if we have to start over.
My continuous comment from the last 4.5 years has been....I LOVE science. Genetics, our bodies and how they function....it is fascinating to me. I just wish I could see it from the outside looking in, sometimes :) Regardless of that sentiment, I am thankful to have the opportunity to have options.
I will say this whole experience...the last 6 months...has made me so much more sensitive to moms and friends going through fertility treatment. I am reminded that oftentimes, people don't think about their audience with enough empathy. I was, and probably still am that person. I have vivid memory of sitting with two amazing ladies that I grew up with, one of which was expecting at the time, and asking her sister when it was "her turn" in the baby department. I didn't know she had recently had a devastating miscarriage. I felt horrible at the time, but even worse after I experienced it for myself. The bottom line is that most of the time, people mean well and want you to be happy. But it was a great lesson for me to remember that I need to consider how what I say might affect someone.
The last thought I have is unrelated to fertility, per se, and more related to the hilarity that is family "planning." I know we have been on people's "I wonder when..." list for a while now. We have long passed the usual 2-3 year window between siblings. The funny thing is that we waited on purpose. Parker is beautiful, sweet, and complete trouble. We are overwhelmed 90% of the time, and sleeping the other 10%. Even at his happiest, he has a lot of doctor appointments, medical expenses, therapies, meetings, etc. It is a lot to manage. It took us a while to be able to handle that within our marriage. We decided we were ready last April. We never expected to have secondary infertility. My point to you is....sure, go ahead, try and "plan." The reality is that none of this is going to ever go according to your time table. You have to find a way to be at peace with that. I haven't yet, but some day, I'll look back on all of this, and understand better.
So, for now, think happy baby thoughts for us. We are waiting for our "rainbow baby" with lots of love (and nearly equal amounts of anxiety).
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Friendship
We are hitting the age where Parker's peers are forming friendships and speaking their opinions- which is an interesting, emotional time for all parents, I think. This week, we have run the spectrum in what we overhear and notice as parents. Matt had an encounter today where a child next to Parker told her mom, "I don't like him!" right in front of Matt, and the mom did nothing to help her navigate that opinion. That hurts, knowing that your child, who doesn't understand and can't defend himself, is treated that way.
But on the flip side, I have a story to share. There is a little girl in Parker's class who ADORES him. She notices him. She protects him. She makes sure he is cared for. She even defends him when the teachers hold him to high expectations that he doesn't like :). For Valentine's Day, she made him a beautiful card. But even more, she knows him so well that she included a roll of streamers because he loves crinkling paper (and her parents let her!). Her family is always kind to us, and nurtures her bond with him.
Our kids learn empathy and kindness from US. The grown ups. Keep that in mind, even in the hard moments when your child makes an embarrassing comment in front of another family. This week, I cherish the fact that Parker has a true friend. It seems like it should be a given for a child, but in our world, it is a luxury.
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