Whew. It has been five whole months since I have written here, though not because I haven't remembered to or wanted to. For the first time in my life, I've been afraid to write. Writing has been my own personal therapy since high school, and reading, since elementary school. I have never been afraid to write until this year. I have a book to thank for opening up my mind and heart to be able to write again...because writing for me is truly, deeply feeling things and processing them (and a Roomie to thank for the book recommendation). If you need a brutal, beautiful book to read, "brutiful" as the author describes it...read "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton....
So, moving onward, in January, we were given the most incredible gift...hope, in the form of a little baby girl who we are so thrilled to meet next month (!!). I have admittedly recoiled from my miscarriages by attempting to keep my excitement and love for this little girl at bay until there is a moment that I am sure she will "be okay," even though as parents, we open our hearts up for life. I haven't been able to find the words to describe this feeling beyond being afraid that by talking about her and planning for her and writing about her, that I will jinx her very existence. I know in my heart that she deserves better than that. She deserves a Mama that shouts out to the whole world about her, but in acts of self-preservation and fear, I have hidden my hope and buried it as deep as I can. Don't get me wrong...I have still picked out nursery decor, and baby gear, and thought about her name, but the Facebook announcements, writing about my pregnancy, and sharing with the world have been suppressed. I am still thoroughly relieved with every week I can tick off the pregnancy calendar, looking at pictures of what __ week old babies look like if delivered early to see how many wires and how much support they need, and how many days they spend in the NICU. I wonder with awe and admiration what my mom went through with having me at 29 weeks. I am still afraid to imagine what she will look like, how her birth-day will go, and what it will be like to say I have a daughter and "kids" with a plural "s" even though we are only a little over seven weeks away from meeting her.
But, because this little girl deserves a family that is unapologetically elated that she is coming, that is my goal. For the next 7 weeks, I will work hard to be more brave and less afraid, as best I can. <3
