Pondering the Night Away

Tonight was a hard night for some reason. We have so many great things going on in the next week that we are so excited about... But there is something about a long car ride that encourages (forces) deep thought.

I started thinking about how Parker is almost 4 weeks old already. He had made such strides! I have to admit, though, that part of me mourns the passed time because it goes by so fast and I can't get it back. Of course, I am also trying to slow down time because I know that once I go back to work, I will only get about 3-5 hours a day with him.

I also started thinking back over the past few weeks. Part of me actually misses being pregnant--and that shocks me because I remember hearing women say that when I was about 38 weeks and thinking they had to be nuts...but I do miss it. I miss having things be simple...I miss not knowing his diagnosis, and I miss being able to keep him healthy and safe so easily. I hate even thinking any of those things.

I keep going back and forth between blocking out the emotional pain of the week of his birth versus the joy of bringing him into the world as ours. Right now, the experience is still mostly clouded by pain and grief, but I hope that one day I will look at it with only peace and thankfulness.

For now, I am so in love with this little boy and our little family. I am so excited for everyone to meet him and to bring in a new year with him in my life.