11 Months

Parker is 11 months old today...the next time a month goes by, I will be able to say my baby has been here a full year!  It is incredible to me that the time has passed so quickly.  My sweet, beautiful boy is racing into toddler-hood.  It is awe-inspiring and heart-breaking at the same time.  Every small milestone is a huge achievement in our house, and Parker never ceases to amaze us with his determination and strength.

As the toddler years approach, I can feel "baby fever" slowly creeping back up --I know (Mom & Matt!) that there is still a lot that needs to happen before we think about baby #2.  And my thoughts about more children are intertwined with some really complicated memories, emotions, and dreams.  I keep picturing a house with little ones running around, but those images are laced with flashbacks from last November and December.  I have so many questions and fears. 

I want to beg God not to make us go through that experience again, while simultaneously wanting to show thanks for what we have been gifted.  I want someone to be able to tell me that our second baby won't have Down Syndrome, while simultaneously asking everyone around us to accept and appreciate Down Syndrome.  These are just a few of the thoughts that get stronger and stronger every day that Parker grows and we get closer to expanding our family.  These are the thoughts that rob me from my time thinking about and appreciating Parker.  And that makes me angry.  Because really, at this point, Parker is the role model for me.  And my life is all about him...which is how I've always wanted it to be from before I even knew he existed.

He reminds me day in, and day out that he should never be underestimated, and that the power of a smile and a snuggle are immeasurable. 

So, for the next month, my goal is to push through every traumatic memory, painful emotion, joyous celebration, and triumphant accomplishment, and allow myself to heal and dream again, and just "get over it."  Instead of looking over my shoulder for the next big blow, I want to look ahead at Parker's future...one filled with many more upcoming birthdays, even more love and excitement, and obviously snuggles and smiles. 

I love you Parker.  Thank you for being so patient and giving to your Mommy.