My Grandpop.

How do you say goodbye to a man you have idolized your entire life?  Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have the opportunity.  My Grandpop is one of my most favorite people-- he is hilarious, feisty, generous, and hard-working, even after having been put through the ringer physically.  He is a smart, completely coherent man with a body that has failed him-- and there are days when I am so angry about that.  He made the courageous decision last week to enter hospice, after determining that his dialysis treatments were instigating strokes.  He was forced to choose between the unpredictability that comes with strokes with each treatment or ending dialysis.  He has come to the end of his fight, and made peace with that.


My family and I spent last weekend soaking up every moment we could with him.  Our favorite moments were the times when his personality pushed through.  His home was a revolving door of support, admiration, and love.  That being said, as my mom puts it, my Grandpop has endured what could be equated to attending his own wake over the last 9 days.  One night, he was restless and audibly upset-- and when asked if he was nauseous or hurting, he said no -- that he was just so sad, and said "I will just miss you people so much."  Every time someone walks out the door a sobbing mess, he has to see and feel their pain.  That is so hard.  I dreaded the moment when it would be my turn, and can honestly say it was one of the hardest moments of my life.  

We have been lucky to be with him, though.  He was furious about his last haircut, which was really a buzz cut, and thought it looked stupid, and did his usual grumbling :) I saw his last sip of beer and Sambuca.  We got to eat Rita's Italian Ice together.  He got to put as much salt on his fruit as he wanted.  We Face-Timed with Parker and Matt every day.  We went through old pictures, heard his wishes for his most treasured things, and ate some awesome Cannoli and Cannoli Cake (who knew that existed!?).  We also took some new pictures with him and the people who love him most.  We held his hand, kissed his cheek, told him how much we love him, how brave he is, and how proud we are. 

But ultimately, this sucks.  I have dreaded it my whole life, and counted myself so lucky to have him for so long.  Having him at my wedding, and watching him hold Parker have been some of the most cherished memories of my life.  I don't know what to do without him.  He is "New Jersey" to me.  He is "home" and he is the glue of our family...the patriarch.  I don't know how to be there without him.

And although at this point he is semi-comatose, he has been counting down the days.  Hospice told him 10 days (which he was mad about), which will be "up" tomorrow.  My heart hurts and I so dread the phone call that I know is inevitable.  I can't wait to be with my family, and as much as it kills me, I know that when my Grandpop isn't HERE with us, he will be at peace, reunited with my Grandmom and so many of his favorite people he has lost.  I love you, Grandpop.  You are my "person," and I will miss you every day.  Check in on us from time to time, if you aren't too busy catering to all of the pretty ladies in heaven :)