Wednesday: One of the hardest things about dealing with miscarriage is how long it takes the body to move forward. Like I said in my last post, it is this inescapable reminder of what will no longer be. I hate it, and am so angry and hurt about it. I will be so happy to be through the next week, when (hopefully) the physical part is done. The other part that will be done is the "last week at this time" types of thoughts. Last week at this time....I couldn't have a drink on our date night and wasn't one bit upset about it. Last week at this time, I was missing sushi a little bit, but couldn't eat it. I definitely had it for lunch today, though :) Once I get through the next week, I think I will have found more peace, despite the lack of closure we will always have about the Whys and the What Ifs.
Because 50% of miscarriages are related to some chromosomal issue, we made an appointment through a different hospital system to have a karyotype screening, which is a blood test for Matt and I to check our genes and hereditary possibilities for certain special needs. In the past, we were told that Parker was just a fluke. At this point, we would just like to be sure that everything is okay with both of us. It will never tell us with 100% certainty that everything will be fine "next time," should we be so lucky to have a next time. But, it will at least give us information we have been seeking.
I keep trying to find the lesson in all of this. The take-away. I can't. It has only been a few days since all of this started, so I recognize that I'm not far enough removed from it to see the big picture. The one thing I have learned is that a LOT of people go through this in silence. I haven't broadcast it, but the people that are closest to me at work have asked where I've been the last few days. I am the world's worst liar first of all, but second of all, I hate the silence of this process. Out of the 6-7 people I have told, 3 of them had miscarriages directly themselves or in their own family, and every single one of them has an extended family member or close friend (many of whom are other co-workers of mine) that have been through this too. That is an incredible, heart-breaking statistic.
The bottom line is that we will be okay, and we will move on. We have our happy family, and are hopeful to have more kids in the future. We will be that much more thankful, then.
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