Time is Flying

It has been a while (again) since I've written here. In some ways, I just haven't known what to say.  The school year began in whirlwind form personally, and then ramped up all around. Some of this post will be TMI, but honestly, I think that is okay.  While I am much less angry about it now, I feel like so much of the pain that comes with pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and fertility is silent.  That bothers me. I'll admit, though, that I am less angry about the silence because I understand how different the grief process is for everyone now.  I also understand that there are people who have never even remotely had to worry about pregnancy, and that their comments can be hard to handle. I know, because I used to be one of those people. More than anything, I've learned that SO many people go through this, and that it hurts for everyone.  The compassion that I have witnessed is so reassuring.

With no real direction from my OB-GYN, and some research, Matt and I decided that our coping mechanism would be to try again.  With excitement and a healthy dose of skepticism, we found out I was pregnant again right after our genetic counseling appointment (ironically).  That was a Tuesday.  By the weekend, I knew something wasn't quite right.  In short, different brands of pregnancy tests have different sensitivities, so I could tell that my hormone levels weren't rising fast enough.  By the following Monday morning, all of my tests were negative.  Soon after, the bleeding started again.  Just in time for my OB-GYN blood work.  By then, I had already accepted what had happened.  I met with one of the doctors in my practice in a conversation I don't know that I'll ever forget.  She told me that my body probably just hadn't recovered from the last one yet, and that since everything happened so fast, "they wouldn't count this one as a miscarriage," and would consider it a chemical pregnancy.  I left that appointment feeling like it was my fault for not having waited long enough.  By discounting the current pregnancy, this doctor felt like she was sparing me heartache, but instead, I felt to blame.

Because of my PCOS, I see an endocrinologist who also happens to specialize in reproduction.  I am so thankful for her.  I met with her the same week as the "chemical pregnancy" was ending, and she was visibly frustrated with the way my OB handled everything.  She let us know that this was in no way our fault, and that my body had plenty of time to recover and do its job.  She considers my 2nd pregnancy a miscarriage, or at least uses the term interchangeably with chemical pregnancy.  We made a plan for how to take a deeper look at everything going on with my body, and actually listened to what I had to say.

The point is that your words, tone, and time all make a difference to people.  I now believe in the spirit and possibility of a "rainbow baby" and hope that ours isn't too far out of reach.