One Step Forward...

Wednesday: One of the hardest things about dealing with miscarriage is how long it takes the body to move forward.  Like I said in my last post, it is this inescapable reminder of what will no longer be.  I hate it, and am so angry and hurt about it.  I will be so happy to be through the next week, when (hopefully) the physical part is done.  The other part that will be done is the "last week at this time" types of thoughts.  Last week at this time....I couldn't have a drink on our date night and wasn't one bit upset about it.  Last week at this time, I was missing sushi a little bit, but couldn't eat it.  I definitely had it for lunch today, though :)  Once I get through the next week, I think I will have found more peace, despite the lack of closure we will always have about the Whys and the What Ifs.

Because 50% of miscarriages are related to some chromosomal issue, we made an appointment through a different hospital system to have a karyotype screening, which is a blood test for Matt and I to check our genes and hereditary possibilities for certain special needs.  In the past, we were told that Parker was just a fluke.  At this point, we would just like to be sure that everything is okay with both of us.  It will never tell us with 100% certainty that everything will be fine "next time," should we be so lucky to have a next time.  But, it will at least give us information we have been seeking.

I keep trying to find the lesson in all of this.  The take-away.  I can't.  It has only been a few days since all of this started, so I recognize that I'm not far enough removed from it to see the big picture.  The one thing I have learned is that a LOT of people go through this in silence.  I haven't broadcast it, but the people that are closest to me at work have asked where I've been the last few days.  I am the world's worst liar first of all, but second of all, I hate the silence of this process.  Out of the 6-7 people I have told, 3 of them had miscarriages directly themselves or in their own family, and every single one of them has an extended family member or close friend (many of whom are other co-workers of mine) that have been through this too.  That is an incredible, heart-breaking statistic.

The bottom line is that we will be okay, and we will move on.  We have our happy family, and are hopeful to have more kids in the future.  We will be that much more thankful, then.

Learning to trust your instincts...even when they can't protect your heart.

"The best way to fight quiet is to talk. The best way to fight fear is with information." - Fatherly, from The Mighty

As a disclaimer, I know this is a taboo topic. Women's stories are all over Internet forums, but I almost never see anyone I know publicly share this.  I'm doing so because writing is my therapy, and because the fact that something so common is so hushed drives me crazy.

Written Saturday... 

Some people are so in tune with their gut instincts that they are confidently lead to the path or decision that feels right in such a solid way.  I've never really been like that--in fact, I sometimes envy those people.  I admittedly have a pessimist's mind, mainly for self-preservation.  I fight to have a "growth mindset" every single day.  So when I get little niggling thoughts, I often ignore them or misread them.  When I was pregnant with Parker, I had this feeling that something was wrong. I've written about it before, but in short, what I felt like was risk of miscarriage really turned out to be risk of a different life than we had imagined.  

2 weeks and one day ago, we found out (very early) that I was pregnant.  Parker is almost 4, and we've intentionally, maybe wisely, maybe foolishly, waited until we were stable enough in our lives with him to grow our family. We were nervous, and ecstatic.  Because I was really only 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant, we waited to tell our families.  By last weekend, our sisters and parents all knew- which was lovely- their excitement was so palpable.  But for whatever reason, for the last week or so, I had unfounded anxiety about bleeding.  I checked every time I went to the restroom, nearly holding my breath each time, but still so excited with every day that passed.  

This weekend was going to be packed. Thursday night, my cousin from NJ and his friend came into town. We had a great evening, and were planning to drive together Friday afternoon to Ohio for my mom's birthday.  At work, I was anxious for the day to be over so I could be with and celebrate with family.  Except that morning, my fears were realized, and I saw a small clot of blood in the bathroom.  I panicked.  I ran outside and immediately called my doctor.  The saddest part about being only 5 weeks 2 days pregnant is that it is too early for people to feel any real urgency towards investigating a problem, and despite modern medicine, only so much can be learned or done.  After a 15 minute wait, a nurse called me and asked me to come in for blood work.  5 weeks is too soon for an ultrasound. 

Because I don't work in a private space, I grabbed my things and ran out without saying a word to anyone. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together in front of my co-workers.  I made it to the street outside my car before promptly bursting into tears.  Poor Matt was in the middle of picking up Parker from school, literally sitting in the front office, when I called him.  At that point, in my heart, I knew it was done, despite the nurse telling me she's seen the whole spectrum of scenarios, including a successful pregnancy, happen after bleeding.  I didn't "feel" pregnant anymore.

After talking with the nurse and hearing that nothing would change over the weekend until my blood work to be done Monday, and an ultrasound couldn't happen until later next week, we decided to head to Springboro anyway.  On the car ride, the cramps started picking up, and with every bathroom break, the bleeding got worse.  I will never forget the hollowness and despair that experience instills...knowing that you are most likely literally flushing the remnants of your dream down.  

We both cried as we drove, and were thankfully comforted at times by Parker's unknowing comic relief.  Just like with any pain, physical and mental, it is always worse at night.  I couldn't sleep- I could feel what my body was doing, and couldn't shut my mind off.  I kept getting angrier about the cruelty of how the body does this. I'm still pretty angry.  This morning, I waited for the lab call with answers about my blood work, and with it, got my confirmation.  My miscarriage had likely been set into motion a few days before, because my hcg and progesterone were already showing up as too low to sustain a pregnancy. The phone call both dashed the teeny smidge of hope I had left, and brought relief that I had a definitive answer to my experience. I'm thankful I didn't have false hope until Monday.

This clarity has helped make the bleeding and cramping less traumatic, even though I will be so so thankful when it stops. It is so early that my doctor doesn't even need to see me at all unless my pregnancy test still reads positive in a week.  But two weeks is plenty of time to build dreams in your mind.  I kind of wish the doctor would see me, if only to legitimize the magnitude of what has happened to us.  My first instinct is to compare this to others and say- it could have been worse-- that many people have lost babies - some much much further along, and that some can't get pregnant at all.  It is always my go-to move.  I'm trying to remind myself that avoiding grief by belittling your own experience is not okay. 

I'm trying the best I can to accept, process, and move on.  I'm trying to be renewed for planning and trying again.  I'm trying to stop reading online and memorizing statistics, like the 40+% miscarriage rate with PCOS.  And I'm trying not to be so angry that a horribly cruel event gets dragged out by cramping and bleeding for a week.  The constant reminder of what we've lost is infuriating because it is inescapable.  And I'm trying to navigate how to go back to being a productive human being at what is sure to be a busy week at work.  I'm taking Monday off, less for physical discomfort, though that is real, and more for mental health.  I can't imagine passing blood clots while at work and still being effective in those moments.  

Just like everything in adulthood, there is no rule book.  Do I follow the lead of everyone else, and keep this close to chest? Do I tell my supervisors so they understand my absence at this crucial beginning of the school year time?  How do I hide the bitter taste I feel at the hand we've been given? I have no clue. I hope within a week, the rawness goes away and we can step forward on our journey to complete our family.  And I hope to God that this doesn't happen to us again.  I'm sure that fear won't go away any time soon.

Glencoe Beach

We had a BLAST on Sunday with Parker's cousins, Michaela, Finn, and Noelle, and Aunt Michelle and Uncle Sean.  We went to lunch and then hit Glencoe Beach on Lake Michigan.  It was our first time going to one of the lake beaches near Chicago, and we loved it! This summer has been so hot that the water was actually refreshing instead of frigid.  Parker loved going in and splashing and swimming with his cousins.  We will definitely go back!

Summer Close...

As summer time dwindles, I reach that overly-ambitious time of year.  The (short) time where I am re-energized, ready to tackle the major projects at work and home.  It is the rose-colored glasses time, where I am excited, nervous, and ready.  I always pack in way too many things to do during this time.  Education Twitter chats at 9pm? Sure! Volunteer for another committee to plan an educational conference? Awesome! Join more committees at school? Of course! Ask if there is anything I can do to help Parker's teachers? Why not?! 

For whatever reason, this time of year, I am an especially eager "yes-man" (or more accurately, yes-woman).  I always over-commit and pay for it later in the year (usually Spring, when all projects seem to overlap).  I struggle so much with loving the work that I do and wanting to improve in it, and loving being a Mommy, Wife, and Friend, and wanting to get better at those too.  There simply aren't enough hours in the day for everything!

For this year, it is my goal to find balance.  I hope to try and be more thoughtful about what I volunteer for, and also to not feel guilty when I decide to sit and play a game, read a (fun) book, or watch a TV show instead of doing one of those productive things.  The guilt is what really kills me about being a mom.  Does that ever go away? Probably not.

I'm sure next summer's end will bring a similar post, but I can at least keep trying to prioritize and balance time amongst all parts of my life.

Fun at the Drive IN

One of our most favorite summer activities has become going to the Drive In.  It is a wonderfully nostalgic place that is always full of friendly people and fun times, even if we only make it through the first movie.  

This last time, in an act of sheer lunacy, we brought both dogs with us.  They got TONS of attention and both loved and hated it at the same time.  Not sure if we will do that again :)

It is a nice pseudo date night for Matt and I.  We don't need a babysitter, but Parker usually falls asleep in his car seat by the time the movie starts.  So much fun.

Craziness with Emi

Say "Hi" to Emi! I feel so guilty not writing about her sooner! Somewhere in the evolution of this blog, I've forgotten to post about the just-plain-fun things that we are up to.  In an effort to revert back to this being our FAMILY blog, meet Emi.  We got her on June 30th, in a half-planned, half-whimsical decision.  

When we first got Chase, who, believe it or not, is now 7.5 years old, we had planned on breeding him. Ha. Welp, life happened, and we are never going to breed him.  But, we've always thought that he deserves a friend.  He has been put through a lot in his 7 years.  He has dealt with 3 moves, long distance, a baby (who rightfully took up a LOT of our attention), and very long work days from us.  He has grown into a very loyal, somewhat curmudgeony middle-aged man.  He doesn't do a great job with kids, and definitely doesn't do well with other male dogs.  I got some nasty looks from a mom in the park the other day when Chase bared teeth at her retriever who wanted to play.  Sorry, guys.  I so badly want him to be nice, sweet, and cuddly, but that isn't him. I love him anyway.

Long story long, we really felt like Chase deserved a playmate.  We found a woman in our town who is a dog broker of sorts- she takes a few puppies from a few breeders' litters, and sells them from her home.  We saw Emi the morning of the 30th, and thought she was beautiful, but pretty timid.  We couldn't decide if we should get another Shiba Inu, or get a teddy bear (fluffy, no shedding, lots of yapping, lots of cuddling).  Obviously, you know our choice.  She was unnamed for a few days- but we finally decided on Emi, because it Japanese for "blessing." (Shibas are a Japanese breed).

Chase pretty much hates us right now :) Emi is energetic (though nothing like Chase when he was a puppy), and her most favorite thing ever is pestering him.  His only hope is high spaces that she can't jump to yet.

We love her, and despite the pain it is to train a dog, she is worth our effort.  

Aqua Therapy & Innovative Therapists

I have to give huge shout outs to Parker's therapy team.  Over the last few weeks they have each been especially innovative with Parker in moments of need.  My last post mentioned Ms. Deanna, our Speech Therapist, using aquarium tubing to get around Parker's tendency to bite straws.  Ms. Vicki, Parker's OT, has been using Therapeutic Listening with us to try and give Parker some additional body stability and awareness.  This week, it was Ms. Julie's turn (and her intern, Sarah).  

Every other week, we drive about 20 minutes north to Wisconsin for Aqua OT/Aqua Therapy.  It is a decent production-- the pool is at a HUGE rec-plex, and getting Parker ready for swimming takes some time.  While waiting at the pool this week, Ms. Julie informed us that because of a sanitation incident (aka: toddler poo!), that the pool wouldn't be ready for Parker to swim in until nearly the end of our session.  Instead of just sitting and waiting (keeping Parker still while near water- his most favorite thing - and near a wet, slippery floor would've been hell), or cancelling our session, Ms. Julie had us drive over to the small rec-plex lake, and did OT there.  That's right. Parker got to do aqua-OT in a lake! How fun!

These ladies are responsible for a huge amount of Parker's progress.  When I am ready to throw in the towel, or am frustrated with his behavior, they come swooping in with new, great things to try.

#thankful.

Hearing & Tubes & Straws, Oh My!

 Unfortunately, due to scheduling issues at Lurie, we had to cut out Parker's ophthalmology evaluation to get his hearing test and tubes done before the end of November.  Thankfully, Parker's hearing is normal and the tubes (normal sized this time!) went in wonderfully.  I am disappointed we missed the opportunity to get a really close look at Parker's vision, though.  I just could not risk waiting until November in case Parker had a hearing issue.  Hopefully, they will find another opportunity to do this.  

What we've learned at this point is that we need to work on clear annunciation when we speak to Parker.  He is having trouble distinguishing sounds that differentiate similar words

This summer in speech has really been spent on working with a straw and drinking from a cup.  Parker still gets the majority of his liquids from bottles, which is getting to be taboo for a 3.5 year old.  We are going to schedule a follow-up video swallow study soon to see if/how much progress has been made since last year.  We are really hoping to lose the thickening powder we are supposed to use for Parker's liquids from a cup. 

Our AWESOME speech therapist, Ms. Deanna, came up with an innovative way to get around Parker's tendency to bite straws.  We are currently using aquarium tubing to practice blowing bubbles in liquids that either taste super yummy (chocolate milk, which P has never had before), or colorful water.  After "accidentally" sucking inward a few times, Parker has figured out how to suck in intentionally.  This is HUGE. We are hoping to keep practicing that so that he is able to drink from a straw soon. Look out, Home Depot. We might clear you out of your aquarium tubes! 

The "ack-gack" and "suss"

Parker is learning new words every week, with a major focus on summer time.  This child is so obsessed with getting to school! Every night he asks to get his back-pack ("ack-gack") on and will sit in front of any door.  It has a clip in the front that he is working on trying himself, and he refuses to remove the back-pack for bed time.  I'm pretty sure it is the same size as him!  

He also LOVES the bus ("suss"), and his driver, Miss Pam.  She is such a sweet lady with a hard job! When the bus roles around the corner, I have to be sure to have a firm grip on Parker's hand, because he takes off running!  Thankfully, my feelings don't get too hurt but his excitement to get on the bus (and leave), because when the bus rolls around to drop him off, he starts smiling, yelling, and kicking the bus window.  

We are working hard on getting the beginning sounds of words with him-- repetition, repetition, repetition.  Right now, whenever we stress the "B" sound at the beginning of bus, Parker will say "buh-suss."  When we stress the "M" sound at the beginning of milk, Parker will say "mmm-gohk."  Needless to say, it is a work in progress.

I love this boy.  Even though it has nothing to do with Matt and I, I'm proud of how happy he is all the time.  It is a lesson for all of us to not take life too seriously.  

Thankful.

Tonight was a good night. On this special needs journey, I've discovered that other kids are often more intimidating to me than adults. Kids ask hard, blunt questions like: why can't he talk? what are on his shoes? etc. My challenge is coming up with age appropriate responses and managing the unpredictable, while fighting the urge to protect Parker from any possible pain or cruelty.  There are moments where I just want to whisk him away, and keep him holed up in our safe family bubble.

Tonight, Parker played with a little boy at the park, which honestly always makes me a little anxious. This little boy's sister, who is wheel-chair bound with significant special needs, had enjoyed the swings with us earlier in the evening.  This little girl was so beautiful--like Parker, you could tell that the swings were the best part of her day.  Her Grandma, there with her and her four siblings, was an incredibly happy, larger-than-life woman.  It was energizing just to be near them.

For the first time, I could really say Parker played WITH this little boy, not near him. Parker followed him, mimicked him, laughed with him, and was independent. He went down the big boy slide by himself. This little boy (maybe 4?) waited for Parker down the slide, helped him off the edge and up the steps, and let him slide first -- all without saying a word.

Tonight, I am humbled by a 4 year old. I am solidified in my understanding that Parker (and others with special needs) inspire kindness, empathy, and HEART in us all. And in turn, we get to pay that kindness forward. I love that.

Tonight, I am most thankful for a sweet child who innately looked out for my baby-turned-big-boy.  I hope we see him again at the park soon.  I hope that we meet many more children that have this kindness in them.

I so badly want to post a photo of this sweet boy's face, but out of respect to his family whom I don't know, I'll leave it at this.  Even here, you can see him waiting at the top of the slide for Parker to reach him. I wanted to hug this kid!