Panic Rising

It is a panic attack, fighting for air, overwhelming evening for me.  I am really feeling the pressure of trying to schedule multiple therapies, evaluations, doctor visits, checkups, and …dinner..or sleep..or chores.  It seems like therapists are booked, and their hours don’t mesh with a working parent’s.  It is moments like this where I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole that is filling with rushing water. 

In addition, we are struggling with how to determine the quality of therapists.  Everyone who I have spoken to about it says “listen to your mommy instinct”  or "trust your gut" --and mine says that our speech therapist isn’t doing enough for Parker.  However, my conscience likes to make excuses for people…like “but…Parker fell asleep,” or “maybe he doesn’t want to overload us,” or “maybe I’m not asking the right questions.”  I think this next week will be our last chance with this therapist before we ask to be reassigned. 

We have been fighting to get Parker started on PT also.  Our state coordinator FINALLY got us in touch with one last week who just now called me.  She said “since you are a teacher, could we do his therapy appointment at 3:00?”  --I guess sometimes people don’t realize that teachers work longer hours and have a commute and kids to pick up.   She is unable to come after work hours, so she will have to meet Matt at Parker’s daycare.

…This is when my next control-freak-induced breakdown starts.  Because I work, and my job happens to be almost an hour in the opposite direction of my husband’s work and daycare, I won’t be able to be at his physical therapy appointments until summer.  Gah! I need to let go and take some deep calming breaths.  My husband is an incredible man and more than capable of dealing with this…but it doesn’t take away the fact that I want/need to learn from the PT too, and see Parker’s progress for myself.  I already feel like I miss so much of that as a working mom, that it breaks my heart to give up even more.

For the time being, I am just going to snuggle my sweet sleeping baby and take deep breaths…reminding myself that it will be okay and we can do this.  I can be strong for him.  I have to be.